The struggle to prove God or Self..?

"Mighty Ocean playing with the Pure Innocence"- Anonymous...

On Augustine, Purusha, and My Headache

I really do not understand what is happening in my life. Maybe you also don’t. Maybe each of us is secretly thinking the same way as I am — confused, restless, anxious — but pretending to be fine. In this grand intellectual quest, I may have forgotten to take care of my “heart.” I know, I know, the heart cannot think — it’s just an organ pumping blood. But let me keep it poetic, because today, my side of the debate will not be defeated — I am speaking emotionally.

Life keeps evolving, struggles keep piling up. I know what I should do, and what I shouldn’t do — and yet here I am, troubled. Troubled by Augustine, Jainism, Zoroastrianism, tribals, Purusha and Prakriti — and on top of it all, the most important trouble: I cannot give meaning to my life.

Most of us escape the truth by keeping busy. Maybe I’m escaping too. Some philosophers say life is not dualistic, but I disagree. Life is dualistic — full of opposites, contradictions, ironies. Everyone has taken up their role in this absurd play. And yet, everyone needs a friend to share their story, because we are social animals. We live in communities. But what kind of community? Hopefully one that accepts us, allows us to grow at our own pace, and does not suffocate us.

What is really happening in life? The more I learn, the deeper I fall into the pit, and the worse my head aches. Sometimes learning feels like a race — not to truly learn, but to “keep up.” Yet I tell myself: until I reach the point where I can question society, I should remain silent. Silent observation — maybe that is the only reasonable response to this circus.

Life is like this, my friends. You have to create meaning for yourself. Sometimes you need to observe and be silent — and that is what I am trying, miserably, to do.

From Ancient to Medieval: My Unhappy Transition

When the period of ancient Western philosophy ended, I was relieved. But then came the monster called Medieval Philosophy. It was like moving from sunshine into a damp basement. The period of kingdoms rising and falling, of democracies being born, of battles for power and more power.

I hate history. But as Fr. Vally would say: “History is important so that we do not repeat the same mistakes.” Fine, Father, I agree. But why must we be tested on that history?

This era was the age of Christianity rising, Islam emerging, and Greek thinkers refusing to die quietly. Politically, tribes were unifying, the Holy Roman Empire strutted into existence, crusades began, succession battles raged, Islam spread.

Socio-economically, there was the Black Death, the rise of the merchant class, the suffocating feudal system, universities mushrooming, religious orders springing up — all feeding philosophy in their own weird ways.

Some say nothing really happened in this era, that it was just a transitional stage. Others say the Church was in absolute control. Either way, it was a time of barriers — most work was in Latin, very professional, sophisticated, and limited to specific orders. We don’t even know much about the personal lives of those philosophers.

Meanwhile, Christian philosophy evolved. It could not stand alone, so the Greeks were allowed to “creep in.” Christians had to wrestle with persecution, conversions, and the endlessly delayed Second Coming of Christ. Faith and reason had a boxing match, and nobody declared the winner.

The medieval VIP list has three names: Augustine, Anselm, and Aquinas.

My Love-Hate Relationship with Augustine

When I learned that Augustine was responsible for the doctrine of Original Sin, I was furious. The man lived his whole life — and then made ours miserable with guilt.

But to be fair, Augustine’s life was fascinating. He discovered himself through mistakes, through Manichaeism, through the influence of Ambrose, through relentless pursuit of knowledge. And his truth was not abstract — for him, truth became Christ. He claimed truth is attainable, planted in us as a divine seed by God, waiting to grow through freedom and illumination.

Augustine was deeply influenced by Platonists and Neo-Platonists, who drew connections between the visible and invisible world. And despite all my complaints, I admire him for one thing: he kept going. He let himself be carried by God.

That’s what we need — to embark on our own pilgrimage of self-discovery. Because what is the use of jobs, success, wealth, if we never find ourselves?

Me? I’m still struggling. I cry, my head aches, I punch the punching bag. I wait. Even God, in whom I believe, tells me to “stay.” What am I supposed to do with that command?

Sometimes I feel like Augustine, saying: “Not yet, Lord.”

Purusha vs. Prakriti, or Why I’m Confused

My struggle often feels like the Samkhya struggle between Purusha and Prakriti.

• Purusha: the conscious, unchanging witness.

• Prakriti: unconscious matter, with its play of Gunas (sattva, rajas, tamas).

Liberation comes only when we stop identifying Purusha with body, pain, pleasure, or mind. Purusha is the enjoyer, Prakriti does all the work. Our trouble begins when Purusha forgets its role.

If I had understood this earlier, maybe I’d already be liberated. Souls are meant for peace.

Jainism, Zoroastrianism, and Other Companions in My Confusion

This reminds me of Jainism, where mysticism grows at later stages, or Zoroastrianism, with its eternal battle between good and evil.

When I first read about Zoroastrians, I thought they were Stoics in disguise — uninterested in others’ judgments, just wanting peaceful lives. But then I saw how close they were to Christianity and Judaism. They are like neighbors, even friends.

They believed in dualism: good versus evil, though evil seemed to have the upper hand. They taught good thoughts, good words, good deeds. Simple, yet profound.

And yet — even Paul complained, “The good I want to do, I do not; but the evil I don’t want to do, that I do.” That’s me too.

My Desire to be Relentless

Pleasure is part of life, because Purusha is the enjoyer. And like Augustine, I want to be relentless — unstoppable in my search.

With humility, I admit: I’m waiting. Waiting for peace to creep in. Waiting to encounter the Divine again. Waiting to discover that deeper something my soul already knows, but my mind is unaware of.

The Child, the Tribals, and Peace

Life, at its core, should be peace. Innocence. That childlike purity must win.

Our ancestors, many of them tribals, found peace in their festivals, songs, traditions, social institutions. Whoever disturbed peace faced totems, taboos, and strict social rules. The goal was tranquility.

The problem begins when interpretations of original texts creep in, when the purpose of practices is forgotten. That’s true of every religion.

A Friend’s Advice

A friend once told me: let yourself flow in life. Don’t be a slave to rules. Be your own ruler. Take the journey to find yourself. Go alone if you must.

And above all — let the mighty God play with your innocence.

                                                                                           By Student of Philosophy - Sch Ronnie B SJ